Sometimes such anger flows in public places. Many of us have witnessed a child being hit, roughly grabbed, yelled at, or spoken to harshly in a park, restaurant or grocery store. Perhaps we felt our own anger rise in witnessing such treatment. Maybe we slipped into negatively judging that caregiver in our minds, smugly reassuring ourselves that we would never do that. Or maybe we felt some guilt, knowing that we too are capable of such. If there as an urge to intervene, what prevented us from becoming involved? I have personally responded to many of these situations, so that it seems second nature to me now. Here is my suggested ABC’s of action in such situations.

1. (A)Approach in a calm non-judgmental manner. If you are about to get in someone’s face because of how they are treating their child, better to continue down your own grocery aisle, rather than create more suffering by adding your anger to the mix.
   

2. (B)Blend with the difficulty the caretaker is having. Somehow in a small way acknowledge their suffering, and why they may not be at their personal best in that moment. “I remember when my children (Nieces, nephews, cousins, friend’s child) were that age. It was so hard to get anything done. And I felt so fatigued and cranky.”
   

3. (C)Create the possibility of change. Share a coping strategy that you used successfully. “What I learned to do was bring a few different toys with me so I could take out a new one for them to play with every other aisle in the market.” “You know the junk food they always want at the end of the shopping trip? Well, I’d get something at the beginning so they could be eating it while we were shopping.”
   

4. (D)Offer to do something concrete that might be helpful. “Would it be okay if my girls and I walked along with you and entertained the baby for a bit while you shop?” “Would you like us to get some of the things on your list?” Most of the time people don’t accept your offer, but by then the energy has changed. They have calmed down and see you as an ally in the difficult job of parenting.
   

5. (E)Engage the child in a positive fashion. Depending on the situation, the age of the child, and how the caretaker has reacted, I may take a moment to be a “fair witness” to the child. I can be someone who acknowledges and mirrors that what happened isn’t right, isn’t fair, isn’t their fault (even if they were the trigger, they are not responsible for a parent’s abusive behavior), and doesn’t always have to be like this. At eye level I might say something like: all of us as grownups sometimes get angry and don’t act right. It’s not your fault. Please forgive us when that happens. Things will be better now.”
   

I used these same principles in the Disneyland situation. I also modeled for my children an important lesson about standing up for what one believes, but doing it in a way that honors the basic philosophy of primum non nocere. Above all else, in your attempts to help, try to do no harm.

Victor La Cuerva, M.D.

formerly of: New Mexico Department of Health

Author of Worldwords and Pathway to Peace

(To order either title, call 800-322-4233)

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Mariposa Men’s Wellness Institute was founded in 2001

to help men become emotionally healthy.