Emotional Connection With Children

Old Expectations

1. •Getting men to establish paternity depends on the right legal and administrative procedures.
   

2. •Children need fathers.
   

3. •Men need to be treated carefully to do what’s right for their children.
   

New Expectations

1. •Getting men to establish paternity depends on putting the emotional connection between father and child before everything else.
   

2. •Children need fathers, and fathers need their children.
   

3. •Men need to be recognized and respected as parents to do what’s right for their children.
   

Tips

1. 1.HIgh Expectations: “Every male is born with the innate ability to be totally successful as a human being, as a husband, and as a father. We assume people want to succeed in their lives and we treat them like that. When county welfare refers us someone saying he is high risk, we don’t go into the home looking for a high-risk person. We go in with a different set of expectations and expect he will rise to that. We should expect responsible, loving fatherhood and desist with this whole idea of deadbeat fathering.”
   

2. 2.Show, Don’t Tell: “The more you tell people, the less they will respond. The more you badger them to pay, the less they pay. The more you put them in prison, the more they do crime. We have to model what people want from us, not what we want from them.”
   

3. 3.Listen, Don’t Do: “I never tell anyone what to do. Most of it is simply helping these young men do what they’ve already decided to do - a decision that wells up from the heart long before it reaches the head. If you talk with them, and if you listen carefully, you don’t have to deliver a lecture. You see that they know where they went wrong, and how they can get back on track.”
   

4. 4.The Best is here to Be Brought Out: “Deeply imbedded in the mindset of all men is the desire to serve, to nurture, to take care, to protect. We work untiringly with each father to create environments that bring out the very best. Their response is always positive.”
   

Charles Ballard, President, Institute for Responsible Fatherhood and Family Revitalization

Economic and Legal Issues

Old Expectations

1. •Multi-problem unemployed men are impossible to reach and not interested in taking responsibility for their children.
   

2. •Low-income men who say they want to establish paternity just want to “get back at” the mother.
   

3. •Men and women can’t raise children together if they are not living in the household. This job should go to the mother.
   

New Expectations

1. •Multi-problem unemployed men can be reached and want to learn to take responsibility for their children.
   

2. •Low-income men who want to establish paternity want a chance to be fathers - sometimes the fathers they never were or never had.
   

3. •Men and women can learn to co-parent, even if they are not living in the same household. This helps mother, father and child.
   

Tips

1. 1.Legal Assistance: “Secure a law firm or pro bono services. These men bring legal issues, and they need legal representation.”
   

2. 2.Legal Knowledge: “Be savvy about your states paternity establishment, custody, and visitation laws.”
   

3. 3.Involve Both Parents: “If you work with non-custodial parents, involve the custodial parent at the beginning. I can’t emphasize this enough. Get professional medical help if you can from a psychologist, social worker, or lawyer.”
   

4. 4.Get an Outside Advocacy Agency: “Have an outside agency do the advocacy on your behalf. Having an attorney do it will put you in a more powerful position. People respect attorneys.”
   

David Pate, Former Director, Paternal Involvement Demonstration Project

Financial Contribution of Fathers

Old Expectations

1. •Young unemployed men who make babies are not interested in being fathers.
   

2. •The main contribution a father can make to his family is financial.
   

3. •Men will only take responsibility for their children if society gets tough on them.
   

New Expectations

1. •Young men who make babies want to be fathers and may need help in assuming that role.
   

2. •A father’s contributions to his family is both financial and emotional.
   

3. •Men will take responsibility when they have a sense that they are important and that enhanced life options are available if they work hard.
   

Tips

1. 1.Create a “Hooks”: “To attract and keep men in the program, offer adequate stipends, use rituals and totems to forge a strong group identity, and develop a culturally-specific curriculum with a focus on history and identity.”
   

2. 2.Create a Workable Group: “Do not include a majority of men from the same neighborhood or age cohort, or with the same level of self-esteem. Before you start, identify the lowest reading/math level you can work with.”
   

3. 3.Use Sticks and Carrots: “Dismiss participants not willing to “step up” early in the program. Conduct drug testing during the program and offer financial incentives to pass the test.”
   

4. 4.Develop a Support Network: “Include significant others and family members early in the program.”
   

Wallace McLaughlin, Ph.D., Director, Father Resource Program

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Mariposa Men’s Wellness Institute was founded in 2001

to help men become emotionally healthy.