10. There’s nothing wrong with traditional dating structures and roles; after all, most men like the control and feeling of competency that paying gives them, and most women like being treated like ‘ladies’ and wined and dined. So what’s wrong with that; why not just stop complaining and ‘go along with the program’?
I find that much of what occurs in traditional dating arrangements smacks of sexism, across the board. Usually, sexism is defined as discrimination against women, as in restricted career choices and job opportunities, or limitations on social and political opportunities and mobility. However, from my perspective, like many of the ‘-isms’, this one, in a larger sense, strikes both ways; in other words, sexism can also be discrimination against men as well.
For me, sexism is the application of requirements, responsibilities, limitations, demands, and/or obligations upon one sex that is not required or demanded of the other sex, i.e. for women, it is being expected to take care of children, clean homes, be nurturers/caretakers/emotional crutches, be the cooks in families, etc., tasks which are not equally expected of men. Women are culturally expected to fulfill these roles unilaterally, often without help from men. And women have, I think for profoundly good reason, rebelled against this, because they felt shackled by being obligated to certain roles solely because of their sex, solely because it was ‘considered’ to be ‘women’s work’. I laud their rebellion and feel proud to support my sisters in their struggles against this tyranny.
But the same is true of men in this culture. There are a whole host of obligations, demands, responsibilities, etc. that are culturally expected of men unilaterally, solely because of their sex, solely because it is ‘considered’ to be ‘men’s work’. And that ‘attachment of unilateral obligation, solely due to one’s sex’ is no less sexism laid upon men than it is sexism laid upon women.
Paying for dating is one of those sexist demands. This is not something that has ever been expected of women in this culture, no matter what their salary. In spite of all the cries about men earning greater salaries than women in this society, even for similar jobs (which is true, statistically), the point is that women are socialized to seek men who have a greater salary than them, regardless of whether the man has any other redeeming traits, such as tenderness, being in touch with their emotions, knowing how to cook well (and enjoying it), etc. For most women, their main motivation, in spite of all the feminist rhetoric of the past twenty years, is still to go after men who are “good providers”.
Thank god, there are women who also see all of this as being equally oppressive, who see that by allowing men to remain in control of the money, women are ‘under their boots’ economically and emotionally. After all, it is not just sexism to obligate men, solely because of their sex, to pay for dating [or longer term relationships]; it is sexism as well to obligate women, solely because of their sex, to take care of men sexually and emotionally in return for men paying for dating. It is not just an issue of financial objectification of men and sexual objectification of women; it is oppression, pure and simple, for both parties and not ultimately to the benefit of either, if personal growth, emotional health, free will, and authentic, respectful intimacy are ever desired. And, I would posit, these are admirable qualities to seek out and attempt to attain in an intimate interpersonal relationship. Unfortunately, there are still far too few women who have this clarity. In spite of what we may wish to believe otherwise, women who want to be economically ‘taken care of’ continue, sadly from my perspective, to dominate the social landscape.
Personally, I consider sexism to be an incredibly sick disease of this culture. I want to be free as a human being who is conscious of my actions and their resultant effect on others, but I also want others to be free as well and to be conscious of their effect upon me. Traditional dating patterns may make a lot of people in this culture feel comfortable about themselves, but they do not have that effect on me, because I see those demands as intensely destructive of whom I am and where I want to take my life. They do not represent my agenda, nor do I ever want to return to that social structure! I have spent too much of my life freeing myself from those shackles to ever want to go back!!!
The bottom line for me is that I personally feel that equitable dating makes me feel nurtured and respected, creates emotional space for a caring, heartspace-rich friendship, and allows both people to be free agents, free as possible from any overt cultural expectations. It is not as though I ‘spring’ this alternative perspective on women after we are on the date; I am quite upfront about this beforehand. If it is not something the woman is comfortable with, she has every opportunity to say “no” immediately; but, of course, for me a “no, I don’t want to engage in what you term equitable dating” response [or even a refusal to consider cost-free or minimal cost dates] allows me to know that this is an inappropriate partner for me and I don’t pursue the dating interaction, then or in the future.
No matter how ‘pleasurable it is to be with this person’ in other ways, the whole issue of unilateral paying for dates is so thoroughly oppressive and demeaning to me that it alone torpedoes my desire to spend time with this person, no matter what my initial attraction was.
I deserve (no less than anyone else in this world) a relationship that nurtures me, that allows me to trust a woman both emotionally and sexually, and that is respectful of my needs, fears, and personal space. As much as possible, I want a clear, mutually respectful, communicative, economically balanced, feminist, egalitarian relationship which encourages the strong, empowering personal emotional and spiritual growth and health of both people, and which in as few ways as consciously possible negates or demeans neither of them.
I don’t see these ideals as unreasonable nor unattainable; I practice them everyday in my friendships, with both my female and male intimate friends -- and in all my other relationships, personal and professional. They are not simply desired objectives; these concepts are the nature of my life and the goal toward which I want to continually strive. For me, they are the foundation of what it means to be free and what space is needed to create an emotionally healthy man.
They are the passionate expression of my journey.
Mariposa Men’s Wellness Institute was founded in 2001
to help men become emotionally healthy.
Equitable Dating
Page 6
