7. Why complain; she’s enjoying your company and you are enjoying her company, so what is the big problem? What difference does it make who is paying for the date?
Well, for me this is a major uncertainty. I have no idea, with any amount of clarity, if a woman is really enjoying my company, or is simply acting like she is enjoying the company, just because I am paying for the date. And it makes a difference and is an important distinction to me. If she’s simply hanging around because she thinks “this guy is footing the bill and he will continue paying for our time together” and “that is a behavior I’m used to getting from men”, whether there is or is not any real sense of personal compatibility, then she is, in my perspective, ‘hanging out’ for reasons that are not in either of our best interests.
I don’t want to be around someone simply because they see me as a ‘good provider’.
(1) I see that as oppressive, to me, because I am then being ‘financially objectified’, objectification being diametrically the opposite of intimacy, or even the possibility of intimacy.
(2) I don’t want someone to be attracted to me in the hopes I will be a ‘good provider’, because I resent being placed in the position of unilateral economic provider of a relationship. That is not one of the qualities for which I have any desire to be sought after. I want a feminist, egalitarian relationship, not an imbalanced, oppressive, ‘traditional’ one.
Finally, not caring who pays for the date is far too easy an argument for women, since it is not they who are paying for it. Were the ‘shoe on the other foot’, I’m quite sure that the issue of ‘caring who pays for dates’ would be a powerful issue, indeed!! Were women culturally expected to pay for dates, I’m sure the issues of ‘pleasure’, ‘quality’, ‘good return on investment’, etc. would be questions they would be asking as well.
It just makes it a whole lot more equitable and fair, as well as emotionally safe (from my perspective) to equitably date or alternate on expenses, because then the ‘enjoyment of each other’s company’ becomes truly an emotional question, rather than being profoundly intertwined with economics or cultural expectations.
8. Many women want to feel ‘valuable’ and ‘taken care of’ and they see having a guy pay for the date as proof of his willingness to provide those needs.
So, men don’t have a similar and equal desire to feel ‘valuable’ and ‘taken care of’? Why does the ‘traditional’ trade-off have to be the only possibility, in which men take care of women financially and women take care of men emotionally and sexually? Aren’t there other possibilities?
What if the man is a great lover and the woman mediocre or even passive? What if the man is deeply in touch with his feelings and is an empowering nurturer, as much or more than a woman -- is he still obligated to be the unilateral economic provider? What if he’s a great cook and nutritionist [and she hates cooking] and treats his partner to gourmet meals; is he still obligated to be the only one who pays for dinners eaten out? Or if the shoe is now on the other foot: since he’s treating a woman to home-cooked meals, shouldn’t she -- to be mutually respectful -- take him out for dinner [and pay for it unilaterally] in return? Can’t a man show his willingness to value his partner in a whole host of deeply nurturing ways that don’t involve money? And if he does, is he still obligated to foot the bill for the dating expenses?
If, as some women have responded, they don’t want to ‘trade roles’/don’t want to take the ‘man’s role’ by taking him out to dinner, then why do these women allow him ‘to play the female role’ [as cooking is seen by these women], but are unwilling to reciprocate in kind? This is a profound double standard!! If he is ‘playing’ both the traditional ‘female role’ [being the nurturer, cooking for her, being a willing lover] and the ‘male role’ [paying for dates, sexually ‘performing’, being the protector], then what ‘role’ is she playing, except that of hustling him on emotional, sexual and economic levels?
It seems to me (from having been there far too often) that this kind of woman is exhibiting narcissism and any man who continues engaging in such an interaction is either a fool or profoundly dissociated from his personal experience. I understand this well, as I was ‘there’ for much of my life, until at least my decision of 14 years ago, that I would not engage in a sexual relationship until it was clear that a woman was willing to invest in a emotional relationship with me and was willing to manifest a mutually reciprocal relationship, in all matters emotional, economic, physical, sexual, and spiritual.
Mariposa Men’s Wellness Institute was founded in 2001
to help men become emotionally healthy.
Equitable Dating
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