6. 6.Of particular note in terms of equitable sex is the issue of oral sex. My experience - and the agreement of many of the books I have read on sexuality and my conversations with other men - is that there is a rather profound lack of mutual sexual pleasuring when it comes to oral sex.
   

1. 1. a.My personal experience is that many women not only enjoy having oral sex given them [and, performed with some degree of skill, think it’s the “best thing since sliced bread”], but in fact rather view it as their ‘right’. I quite enjoy it as well, as do a fair number of other males; it is one area of the sexual play with my female partner that is equally as enjoyable to engage in it as it is enjoyed by my partners.
      
      

   2. b.But, on the other side of the spectrum, it has been my experience - and, again, the general experience of many males - that while women think it is definitely something a man “who loves them” should perform on them, the willingness to return the favor, to engage in oral sexual stimulation of their male partners, is a rare event. In many of the studies I’ve read about prostitution, many female sex workers say that oral sex is the most requested sexual act, other than intercourse, and those sex workers say this is true because a great many men say that their wives are unwilling to perform fellatio on them. Now, admittedly, men who frequent prostitutes may be a ‘slice’ of the male population that may or may not be willing to return the oral sex favor to their female partners or spouses. But many sex surveys of male populations also mention this as a sexual play issue that men often bring up, as one their female partners rarely ever engage in.
      
      

   3. c.My own personal experience is that, while I’ve performed cunnilingus hundreds of times between my many female partners, and assisted in bringing many of my partners to orgasm via that method alone (separate from masturbation or intercourse), only once in my entire 39 years of adult sexual play has a female partner taken the interest, time or effort to bring me to orgasm via fellatio.
      
      

   4. d.Further, while I’ve assisted in bringing my female partners to orgasm, via manual stimulation, hundreds of time - by carefully, conscientiously focused, in conjunction with my partners, on finding the ‘sexual stimulus code’ that would allow them orgasmic release, sometimes over many months and many, many hours of attention to the issue - I have on only two occasions ever had a female partner who returned that favor. In fact, my experience has been that my female partners [except in a couple of rare instances] have even been reluctant to fondle my genitals for more than, at most, 3 minutes during the entire time we were engaged in sexual play [and even then only to provoke an erection], even though I’ve been more than willing to provide them with extensive manual stimulation [lasting, in some cases, as long as a half hour or more] innumerable times.
      

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7. Are there any other areas of sexual play where this lack of mutual sexual play is manifested and results in women gaining sexual pleasure that they, at least in a behavioral, if not conscious, manner refuse to allow their male partners?

1. 1. a.Many women find stimulation, either with gentle kisses or tongue-action, of their nipples to be most enjoyable. Yet, it has been my experience that only on incredibly rare occasions, even when I’ve pointedly requested it, have women been willing to return that stimulation of my male nipples [which, while probably not a sensitive as women’s nipples, properly stimulated have been known to cause me to ‘crawl the walls’ in orgasmic pleasure]. This ignorance on the part of females regarding men’s nipples reminds me of an article I read by Stephen Jay Gould, the famous late paleontologist. He received a letter [to a column he wrote in one of the science journals] from a woman who wondered why men had nipples, feeling that they were a worthless appendage on a man’s body. Stephen’s answer was that men have nipples because women have nipples: we all come from the same fetal model, which only distinctly differentiates after about 3 months of life, when the future male fetuses are bathed with XY chromosomes. But, I would note that the other reason that male nipples aren’t worthless appendages is because, given the proper, gentle stimulation, they can become incredibly sensitive and stimulated. Gay males know this well; manuals on gay sex often point out this fact. But heterosexual women seen oddly ignorant of this issue, and further, as noted in the whole of this essay, even when they do become aware of it, often fail to act upon the information because their focus is solely on the stimulation of their own breasts and nipples.
      
      

   2. b.Clearly, the issues of oral and manual stimulation are arenas of sexual pleasuring that could stand a significant increase in mutuality and equity. Many women engage in such sexual play only to the extent that it causes men to become erect, and then seem to think their responsibility for love-making has been satisfied, and it is now, for the rest of the evening (or at any other time that the sex in engaged in) the man’s responsibility to unilaterally engage in love-making toward their female partners.
      

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My primary and final point, in this essay, is that equitable sex is about engaging in a full range of mutual love-making and a wide range of mutual intimate playfulness. I doubt that I’m the only man in the world who enjoys loving touch, all over his body, by his female partner. Equitable sex is about both partners engaging in love-making with each other, rather the unilateral responsibility of males to engage in love-making on or for their female partners. As I noted at the beginning, there is nothing I do for my female partners that I would not like, in a synonymous and equitable manner, to be engaged with me. Hence, if ‘love-making’ is to ever become a truly mutual, equitable act, engaged in for the mutual intimate enjoyment of both parties, then females need to learn, with the same effort and energy that they expect from the male partners, how to make wide-ranging, stimulating love to the male partners. And be willing to engage in it. Only then can reciprocal sexual play produce sexual pleasure, on an equal footing, for both parties in the love-making. Only then can both sexual partners reach a point of true intimacy, based on mutual respect.

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Mariposa Men’s Wellness Institute was founded in 2001

to help men become emotionally healthy.