Here are some guidelines for finding a therapist/counselor for sexual abuse issues, provided by Pickens Moore, LISW.

First, talk with anyone you may know who has had this type of counseling, and ask him or her to share his or her experience. Then consult Mike Lew’s book Victims No Longer, and his more recent Leaping Upon the Mountains. (To order, see the website for Mike Lew and his Next Step Foundation at www.nextstepcounseling.org, or order "Leaping" directly from Small Wonder Books at PO Box 1146, Jamaica Plain, MA 02130, for $19.95 plus postage.) Both books are chock-full of valuable information and the personal experiences of hundreds of male survivors from across the country and from around the world. There is no substitute for this information. You will immediately see you are not alone. You will recognize some of your own struggles in those pages and realize it is not necessary to spend your life pursuing the limited goal of feeling safe, or of exercising power over other people just to feel okay yourself.

There are good therapists out there, but you’ll have to shop around to find the right one for yourself. They need to be licensed mental health counselors or therapists in your state. Make out a list of questions to take with you to the first appointment. As Mike Lew says, now is not a time to be bashful. A good therapist will be comfortable and appreciative of your having prepared questions about his or her training and experience, and will be glad to give you feedback about your situation.

It is legitimate to ask if they have had therapy themselves. This isn’t necessarily a requirement of a good therapist, but the manner in which they answer may give you some valuable impressions. You’re looking for someone who has some degree of comfort with his or her own limitations and vulnerability. Again, as Mike Lew points out, (it is difficult to say anything here upon which he has not already commented!), therapists are not perfect. So, don’t expect that.

It is not necessarily an advantage for the therapist to be a survivor him or herself. The primary thing is that you feel some degree of safety with this person, and that the therapists office and surroundings feel safe. Otherwise, it will limit the therapeutic work you can do.

If, in early sessions, you feel uncomfortable with the amount of detailed personal experience the therapist is requesting, ask for a slower pace. An inadequately trained or inexperienced therapist can inadvertently re-traumatise you by failing to understand your need for pacing. Your own excitement at finding someone to actually listen might also tempt you to open up too fast. It will take time and patience from both you and your therapist to allow the development of trust, and to find out how you process your experience in therapy.

Psychiatric medications can be helpful. They are not the answer.

You may have heard about EMDR, (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) a treatment methodology that has been particularly useful in trauma cases. It is not a "quick fix" which allows you to avoid the sometimes-painful processing work you may need, but it may significantly enhance that processing. Be sure the EMDR practitioner has taken the second level of EMDR training, and is also trained and experienced in work with survivors.

Internal Family Systems Therapy is a growing treatment approach that distills and elaborates much of the wisdom of therapists who have done the most successful psychotherapeutic work with adult survivors of childhood trauma. They have a website at www.internalfamilysystems.org, and can be contacted by email at webmaster@internalfamilysystems.org, for information about therapists in your area.

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Mariposa Men’s Wellness Institute was founded in 2001

to help men become emotionally healthy.